What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 00:26
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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I waited trembling.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was very sick at this time too.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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I was seconnd youngest,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But it wasn’t much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
What do you do to make yourself sleep early?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But, we were locked up after school.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When she asked me how she looked .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We all went to grammer schools
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I have no regrets .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I never cut or harmed myself..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ive learnt so much.
One cannot live in the past .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I write beautiful poetry .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
This is soul school!.
Im still living with it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Would this be the day?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I will be 64.
He knew the spot.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But ive been too sick for many years..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Put me off passion for life!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
What did i know ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I said to her
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We were not on the streets..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Who then, do I blame.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She wouldn,t have been !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was in good health!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I think the readers, may guess!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So whats the point in blame.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Comes on , in middle age.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My family never makes their pension either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My life is so biszare .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I don,t even have a pension.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It was going to be , some day.
And i lived it daily.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
All the time i was locked up.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She loved him until the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So, i spoilt her more .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was scared of men, in general
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
(And it was in our own minds.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She found it foreign!.